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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27995649">Ad Infinitum</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/lobotomycastiel/pseuds/lobotomycastiel'>lobotomycastiel</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Supernatural</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Canon-Typical Violence, M/M, Missing Scene: 8x17 Goodbye Stranger, Torture</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-12-10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 18:42:40</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>759</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27995649</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/lobotomycastiel/pseuds/lobotomycastiel</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>When he sees Dean’s form, all he can do is whisper to himself that it’s not real, it’s not actually him, and that killing him won’t hurt as much as he thinks it will.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Castiel/Dean Winchester</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>9</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>41</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Ad Infinitum</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Tired of me yet? I watched 8x17 last night and wrote this in maybe an hour. They were All Dean. They were ALL DEAN.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>The first time is the worst. He begs Naomi to leave him be, to not make him do this, but she shoves the angel blade into his hands and locks him inside the dark warehouse anyways. The programming she drilled into him forces his body to move, and he stumbles like a drunkard as he has an out-of-body experience, watching his legs and arms move without his command. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The weight of his actions cut deep into him. Sulking in the shadows like some kind of common monster, touching Dean - no, not-Dean - with violence instead of gentleness, it’s all so twisted and perverse. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When he sees Dean’s form, all he can do is whisper to himself that it’s not real, it’s not actually him, and that killing him won’t hurt as much as he thinks it will.  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He’s wrong. It’s agony.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Castiel, don’t do this,” not-Dean begs, and even if this thing has none of Dean’s mannerisms, he can’t help but freeze at the sound of its voice. He hasn’t heard Dean speak in so long, even a facsimile of him is enough. The lights immediately turn on, and Naomi slaps him across the face. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What were your orders?” She asks, gripping the sides of his face tight in one hand. Her nails threaten to break skin. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“T-to kill Dean Winchester,” he stammers, and she lets go of his face, grabbing his arm instead, and bodily drags him to the door. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“We’ll be making some adjustments, then, since you </span>
  <em>
    <span>clearly</span>
  </em>
  <span> can’t follow through.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He closes his eyes, and hopes that Naomi means killing him.</span>
</p><hr/><p>
  
  <span>After the 37th time, not-Dean calls him “Cas” instead of “Castiel” and he’s freezing up all over again. Poor performance means another round of adjustments, and as Naomi drills into his mind, he can feel her removing the part of it that’s dedicated to remembering Dean’s little idiosyncrasies. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She complains the whole time she does it, about how this is much more difficult than it should be, about how he’s a terrible excuse for an angel, and how she wishes she could kill Dean Winchester herself. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Why don’t you, then?” he spits out in one of his more lucid moments. That makes her turn even more sadistic, ripping out shreds of his memories at random. They flash in front of his eyes, but the recollection fades just as quickly as it sparks. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The 38th time runs much more smoothly. He only hesitates for three-point-one milliseconds. It’s not good enough for Naomi. Another poor performance. Which means more adjustments. </span>
</p><hr/><p>
  <span>Runs 52 through 81 all have Dean begging for his life. By the end of it, he can tune it out. By the end of it, he barely remembers why he called the Winchester son “Dean” in the first place. </span>
</p><hr/><p>
  <span>He doesn’t know what Naomi was playing at during the 233rd run, but whatever experiment she was trying went severely awry. In this one, the Wichester tells him that he loves him as he begs for his life, which... gives him pause, for some unknown reason. As the room floods with light, and Naomi begins to scold him, he turns his blade on her. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She catches his raised arm and forces him to his knees, twisting his arm until he’s sure the bones will break. They don’t, she’s too methodological for that, but they’re both aware of who’s in charge here. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“If you </span>
  <em>
    <span>ever</span>
  </em>
  <span> do that again, I will rip out your grace and eat it in front of you. Are we clear, Castiel?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yes, Naomi.” He has no explanation for his actions, they’re beyond unseemly and downright treasonous. He opts to ask for her forgiveness instead. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She lets him go, turns for the door, and pauses. After one swift kick to Castiel’s ribs, she leaves him in a room full of bloody corpses. By now he knows that he’ll be expected in the operation room for more adjustments. </span>
</p><hr/><p>
  <span>It’s bizarre, but a part of him finds it funny that his best attempt to-date is number 609. It must be something to do with the inherent contradiction in the beauty of numerical symmetry and the brutal act of murder. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It really is his best work. Even Naomi, ever impossible to please, praises him for his efficiency. She tells him that he’s ready, and while he doesn’t have the broad capacity for emotions that humans have, he does feel a certain level of content. It feels like belonging, having a purpose. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He finally has a new mission: eliminate Dean Winchester. It should be easy. He’s had so much practice. </span>
</p><p>
  
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Comments and kudos are always appreciated! Come chat with me on Tumblr at </p></blockquote></div></div>
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